....I think I hit my breaking point this morning. Sometimes I think we need to do that so we can get it over with, get back up on the horse and keep on going forward through another round :-P

I'm still sick which is a vicious cycle. My immune system sucks from the stress, the stress makes it harder to get over the cold so I'm more prone to MORE viruses. I am not getting the sleep I need, the food I need, the peace of mind I need to get healthy which means I have fewer reserves left to make sure I get those things today! Blah blah blah.

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of crossed lines of communication. I'm sick of not knowing the right questions to ask or who to ask them to. I'm frustrated beyond belief. My husband gets the brunt of it, poor guy. I am exhausted. I just want to cry, so that is what I've done this morning. I feel a little better now :-)

I really want to get the I-600a out the door today. I still have no idea what we'll do for travel. I was up early this morning pondering the options, as I know them. We could try to come up with the money for DH and our 3yo to come with us but then we'd have to figure out what to do with DH's three kids, our 2 dogs, 4 cats, fish, hamster, etc. PLUS it would shave time off his paid leave. PLUS I do NOT like how divisive it feels to take half of our kids and leave the other half behind but taking them all would just NOT work at all, financially or otherwise. But as I understand it, if DH doesn't come and at least meet Madeline, we will all have to go through some complicated process stateside involving monthly drop-in CPS visits and we won't even get to adopt her for six months, at least, after returning home! Forget that! On the advice of my SW, I emailed our BCIS office on Wednesday (they don't take phone calls or visits, period) and, to my total shock, I received a reply today. He said "I have no idea what you are asking". In other words "you are a big idiot, too stupid to be trusted with a baby and I can't decipher your question, don't waste my time". Ok, that is probably my beaten down exhausted virus-laden self talking. Still, I just cried. I obviously still have no idea what I'm supposed to be asking.

I think we have the vaccine thing mostly worked out. Thank goodness. Still need to figure out how to communicate what needs to be done between the agency and the SW. Wish they'd just talk amongst themselves. Is that too much to hope? Is that how it normally works? I thought it was but the SW keeps telling us to call the agency and find out xyz, or call BCIS and find out xyz. I guess I'm not clear on what her responsibilities to us are since she is ONLY doing the home study.

There is some confusion over our application and contract. I didn't see THAT coming. I totally was thorough, went down the list of requirements, everything was nicely bound up, notraized, paid for, cover letter and everything. But even though the agency says they got our application, they are still speaking as if we haven't "chosen" them, yet. They actually SAID that to DH last night "If you chose us...". Didn't we already do that? Isn't that what was in the envelope? I have no idea how you can have a conversation like that and not request some clarity or something but I wasn't home so I have no idea what the deal is. Dh took the call and hung up with NO idea how things stand. Thanks, honey! I emailed the agency and hopefully we will talk later. I get the gist that there is more to it than either they or we completely forgot to convey. Maybe others with experience would better be able to anticipate. Like we didn't send enough or the right money or the right forms or something. I am totally TOTALLY lost. Hopefully today we will be able to get EVERYTHING straightened up, know where we stand with our agency, know what is left to do, I can quick reprint the I-600 and cover letter, write the check, get it all in the mail and maybe - just maybe - I can get some sleep and get healthy this weekend.

So where I stand this morning? I am not even signed with an agency, I haven't even started my BCIS process and I don't know how to fix any of it. I may as well be at the beginning. Two months of DAILY work toward this process and NO progress :-(

I finished Finding Katherine this morning. What a great read!!!!!!!!! I highly recommend it. I also ordered the Rough Guide to Vietnam, should be here tomorrow. The baby asked me to take him out to pick up a rattle last night, so we did that. He's excited. He wants to teach his baby sister to eat peas from the pod, specifically. A new found skill of his, I guess. He's way too excited about this whole process so, good, bad or indifferent, we're gonna have to break it to the family in the next week or so. Three year olds don't keep good secrets :-P I really wanted to wait until after the home study though. We'll see.

Hopefully today will bring some clear answers and progress and I have relax this weekend and enjoy getting healthy, peace and quiet. :-P