Tomorrow very early - much earlier than I ever get up - my dear hubby will be heading out of town for a unplanned break silent retreat from children week-long work emergency. I'm none too happy about this turn of events, mostly because I'm incredibly spoiled. I am blessed with a work-from-home husband with flexible hours and an ability to multi-task like you have never seen. Or at least better than me. It is quite impressive, if not hard on the old self-esteem! He can be on a conference call, doing dishes and making lunch for our 4 year old without even breaking a sweat. Or complaining. Until him, I had no idea that people really truly did these chores without complaining.

As a result, I have become increasingly lazy. Like, for starters, hubby and I have had a deal for over 4 years now that he - the morning person - will get up with our early wakers and I - the parenting-through-the-night person - gets to sleep in as needed. Bliss. Spoiled bliss. Particularly now that there are no wee-ones that need me in the night! So that will be the first - and possibly most-missed - perk of at-home-hubby.

But then there are the errands. I haven't taken a child grocery shopping in years. Despite all those articles I've read by homeschoolers and Good Moms who feel like this activity is not only important but essential, I'm just not diggin' it. And either are they. We part ways at the front door and I return exhausted anyway but they still have energy for unloading the groceries for me. It's a win-win. Of course half the time hubby does this too - again, he doesn't mind, he doesn't even come home exhausted. And at least some of the time he takes kids and doesn't mind this either. Again with the hit to the self-esteem.

I am exceptionally thankful and grateful. Not a single day goes by that I take for granted the gift of this at-home hubby. But.

There are downsides. Like I feel like we are on perpetual vacation for years now and although that might sound nice, it gets old. I crave structure and routine that just isn't possible when we are all home. I actually MISS being the one in charge around here all day. But no matter how guilty I feel or how much I miss doing the dishes, it doesn't seem to be enough to motivate me to do these things when I hate them and hubby seems to find actual real productive pleasure in them. So, a lot of days, I feel useless. And with the feeling of uselessness comes a feeling of guilt. Societal guilt, personal guilt, you name it. And even after five years of this, I still haven't found a really good solution. Or even a really halfway decent solution.

So while I'm going to miss hubster next week, I'm also both nervous and excited about this infrequent opportunity to get the house back as my very own, if only for a few days. I get to cook, clean, do laundry, play with the kids, discipline. It's all on me. And although I'm not thrilled with this last-minute trip, I'm excited about the freedom it will bring for me as a result!

Or at least I was excited until my naive optimism got the better of me and I ignorantly invited our four year old to come grocery shopping with me today in preparation for our week alone. Now I am sure that all those articles I read about the virtues and importance of taking kids shopping are full of it. It's not fun, it is slow, it is annoying to no end. And luckily for me, my four year old isn't even the type to ask for every single thing he sees. Actually I might have preferred that to the endless rambling and loud obsessive kicking of the cart by large-shoed feet overandoverandoverandover. And over. Only interrupted by the too-frequent overzealous kick that lands itself on my shin as I try to push the cart. I considered taking the boy out of the cart. He's old enough to walk. But the implication of such a decision were more than I could bear. I caught myself feeling sorry for me a few times but reminded myself that he's just four and four year old boys are loud and boisterous and they probably all sound like they have ADHD. Until some poor pitying woman turned the corner and before even seeing me, started to go on about how she could hear us from the other end of the (huge) store and did he ever come up for a breath? Boy isn't he a rambler! Usually such things occur to me as rude and inappropriate but I was actually thankful for the validation!

So yeah, I'm looking forward to my week. A little. Maybe a little more nervous than I was this morning. Let's just hope I don't have to go shopping.