So while our vacation was nice and enjoyable, I just couldn't shake that feeling that something - or someone - was missing. Ironically, or maybe not, this was supposed to be our sort of last hurrah. An outing with the "big kids", doing all those things we won't be able to do - or at least not as easily - once Addy-Mai comes home. But, instead, all I could think about was how empty my arms felt. More than once, I uttered the phrase "I miss my baby".

This might sound strange to someone who has never experienced an adoption before and maybe some of you who have! But I really do miss my baby. It's completely selfish. I'm not worried about her, I don't fear for her life or her health. I think she is in excellent hands, all things considered. I'm not terribly upset that she is getting older without me. But I miss my baby. I feel the emptiness in my own home, my own life. I really miss having a baby - any baby. But I especially miss THIS baby. I yearn to be able to hold her, to feed her, to cuddle her and induce smiles and laughter. I yearn to bathe her, to rock her to sleep, even to change her tiny baby diapers. I really yearn to just *know* her in a way that I can't quite glean from a photo.
I am starting to have that heart-stopping nausea-inducing occasion bouts of grief that I haven't experienced for at least two months - since my days of waiting and waiting for a referral, for just wanting to *know* who my daughter is, what her name is, where she is on this Earth and what her face looks like. Now I know that face, I know that intense look in her eyes. I want to be her Mama, I want to learn her needs and meet them. I want to carry her close to my heart like a permanent attachment to my body. I miss her. Without her, my home, my arms and my heart feels empty.

So yesterday I changed the ticker (yet again). Now it reflects my time until travel - a countdown. I don't have travel dates yet - just a firmer and firmer general idea of travel. So even if this countdown is off by a few days, it is enough to keep me going, to keep me motivated. We are getting close, right? We are half way through our wait to travel. The fall will be busy, it will fly by. We will keep busy. I have projects and goals all lined up to keep me busy until we travel. I hope the time flies as quickly as I need it to.