I remember reading about other people's wait for referral, how they'd jump out of bed in the morning convinced that that day was The Day and jump every time the phone rang, hoping it was The Call. You people, you happy positive optimistic people!!!

I have no optimism, no positive outlook. I feel like we will never get a referral. I wake up every single morning with a pit in my stomach and lay in bed hoping it will go away. It doesn't. I get up, I go through the motions. I, too, jump with the phone rings and then I curse the caller and tell them not to call until we get our referral. Ok, not really but I do say this out loud to my husband, it feels cathartic.

I want something to make me feel like this adoption is real. Like there is an end in sight. Like I'm waiting to hold my child, not waiting to see if there IS a child. I want proof that all the stress, hard work and drama of the last 7 months has paid off. I'm not coping well, or at all. Adoption zen? What's that? Things get easier as the day moves on but referral is never once out of my head.

I know she exists, I know she has been born, I know where she is at this very moment. But she hasn't been matched with me, I'm not her Mama. I don't know what she looks like, I can't even give her a name until I see her face. I want to start her lifebook and I can't. I'm stuck. I want to make her a baby carrier but I can't bring myself to do it yet. We have shopping to do for her - clothing but also important big stuff like her car seat. But I just can't. Because it all does not seem real, possible or likely. It feels like a big fat joke right now.

Our agency guy is sympathetic and apologetic and says all the right things and for about five minutes that helps. He tells us what he can, and for a second it feels like something. But then it's nothing again and the wait is indefinite (to me) again. I ask my friends for predictions and they throw out dates - maybe next week, maybe mid-Month. Those seem like plausible dates. I'm not sure I'll make it that long. My logical head says that's silly. What is a week? It's nothing! I have 3 kids to keep me busy, summer to plan, beaches to go to, summer planting still not done. But every day moves by so slowly. And my heart says it'll never come to pass.

Good morning everyone! It's yet another day in No Referral-ville!