I can't believe we are finally done. Well, I don't want to jinx it. We still need to have everything looked over by our agency before it's forwarded on for authentication but hopefully we'll hear tomorrow or Thursday that it's on its way to California!

I don't have any stories about today at all! Today went just perfectly. So perfect, in fact, that I'm fighting the feeling of superstitious and wondering when the other shoe will drop. Instead I'm feeling that this is yet another sign that we have made better decisions lately. This adoption process, to date, has been exhausting, stressful, difficult beyond belief. I was ill-prepared for how difficult this journey would be. It felt like we came up against one brick wall after another after another. Finding answers to simple questions felt impossible. Today Dh commented that he has never felt so stupid as he has felt during this adoption process and I really "get" that. For most of this process so far I've felt like it wasn't so much of a rollercoaster as a supreme stressor. There were no highs that are often associated with a rollercoaster ride. I felt like quitting many times - not because I don't desperately want a daughter but because I wasn't sure I was strong enough to make it through the process whole. I'm glad we stuck it out so we could get to the point where we trusted ourselves enough to make tough decisions to better the experience for each other.

While there was nothing at all unethical about our former agency, they were not a good fit for us. Switching agencies has brought this adoption process full-circle. It now feels rewarding. We feel a part of the process, we feel valued and understood and cared for. It is a great feeling. And more than that we also understand, we feel informed, we feel included and like part of an extended family. We have someone there to support us and explain in plain terms the answers to our many many MANY questions. And we never feel stupid now.

So today we notarized our dossier, statecraft the entire bundle and sent them on to our agency feds for approval. It sounds a little dramatic to say that I thought I might cry if everything went down without a hitch. I didn't cry but I feel a new optimism, a new faith that we are on the right track. And honestly, these last few weeks are the first time in this entire journey that we felt like we were on the right track. I feel like our daughter is within reach and she is a real palpable soul in the universe. It is surreal to feel the shift so noticeably - I wasn't expecting a shift at all.

So we did good. We followed our hearts, our instincts and they led us in the right direction and every sign since then has confirmed it. I'm ready for a break from paperchasing. I'm ready to watch as my friends travel to meet their children and really embrace their experiences. I'm ready for the wait for referral. I'm thankful that no one has said "any day now". I'm thankful for underpromises and overproducing. I'm completely at peace.

And with that, I am happy to announce that we have made mini-vacation plans. Ok, we are only going away for the Memorial Day weekend and we have to bring our dogs (who are not on my best friend list this week). But this will be IT for us for 2006 in the vacation department other than possibly a trip to our cabin and our trip to Vietnam. We are driving to Columbus to attend the Asian Festival on Saturday and attend a family picnic with our agency on Sunday and to visit a friend nearby while we are in town. I love love love Columbus so I am positively giddy with anticipation. Shows you how badly I need a break! I know, it isn't Hawaii but when the biggest tour from home is one through downtown Detroit, as much as I love Detroit, Columbus is like Hawaii.